its now been 13 months since Geoff left the world so suddenly. Lily is a beautiful, blooming 9 month old. As time has gone by, I have learned so much. Learned when to keep my mouth shut, and when to talk. Who to tell i’m a widow and who to not. I still struggle with how I make people feel uncomfortable. Surely I am the one who, being totally out of my comfort zone in everything I do now, should be the one who is uncomfortable.

I started back to work this week, after not working for a year. I am back in the job I did when I met Geoff. Its a weird feeling. Almost like I am deleting our whole relationship and starting over. I was doing ok after his year anniversary, well, I thought I was. This week has been soul destroying. I feel like I am just existing. I get up and do the morning routine, drop Lily at the creche, go to work, come back and collect Lily from the creche, get home and do the bedtime routine. Routine, routine, routine. I miss Geoff every step of the way. He should be here helping me. Every smile, giggle, cry, attempt to crawl, fall, bump…….. he is missing it all, and I am angry at him. I know its not his fault, but he has left me, living with my parents with a baby. Our beautiful little Lily and doing all of it by myself.

As time goes by, I question my path. Why am I here. What is left to enjoy? Yeah, Lily is fantastic, and a great baby, but she is not Geoff, she cannot possibly replace how he held me, spoke to me, soothed me. Geoff gets to rest in peace, and I get left behind, literally, to make the most of the wreckage. Picking up all the pieces is exhausting. I no longer speak to his family, I am in a much better place when I am not around them, but it saddens me so much. Geoff would be gutted. He would be disgusted with the way they treated me along the way, but most importantly, he would be gutted not to have his sister, brother and Father in Lilys life. She will never know his family. She will never know the wonderful people they were before he died. Unless things change, she will only see the people they have become since he left us. That would devastate him.

They say, as time goes by, it gets easier. I have yet to experience this. I am struggling. Don’t get me wrong, I am carrying on as “normal” as I can, but struggling. Being single again has reminded me of how hard it is to play “the game”. I always hated the game. I met Geoff and everything in my life made sense, but now, nothing does. Meeting men in pubs and clubs is not my thing. Geoff treated my like a princess. He loved every inch of me and wanted to make sure I was happy. If I was happy, he was too, and vise versa, and as sad as it was, that was us in a nutshell. A true gent, always looking out for me. He had so much respect for me. Now I back to having random conversations with men I’m not all that interested in, I just want my Geoffy back. The man who I could be myself with. I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I dont want to have to try and meet someone else either. I want to be loved by someone again, I want to love someone, make them as happy as I made Geoff. I want to be held, I long to be held.

As time goes by, I don’t miss him any less, love him any less, think about him any less. I don’t go to his grave as much, but I think about him more. I still cant watch a movie or Greys anatomy without crying so hard because it reminds me of the day he died. I can no longer sit for hours on the little patch of grass where he lies. i am too busy with work, and Lily, but I go when I can and light his candle and sit with him a while. Sit with him, and tell him all about my days, my lonely days without him. Tell him how mad I am that he isn’t here anymore. Tell him about the bullshit I have to deal with on a daily basis, and how I have “been the bigger person” more times than I care to remember. Some things get easier, like sitting in a bar and not obsessing over every single couple in there, and how I’m on my own. Things like starting new things without his support. But the missing him, and pain in my chest is still as strong. That, as time has gone by, has not gotten any easier………