Feeling “Alone” On A Whole Other Levelon July 7th, 2012
I can say that year 3 has been very difficult for me; and I’m only almost 4 months into it. Lord help me.
At almost 28 months out from losing Greg,
The “alone” hurts. It’s so painful.
This is not how my life is supposed to be. Greg should be here. Being widowed at 25 is not natural.
Sadly widowedhood is a reality for so many people. Widowhood does not discriminate.
And now, “alone” has taken on a whole new level of meaning. A whole new level of intensity.
I am sure several factors contribute to this intensity of feeling.
Maybe because 2012 has been difficult in so many ways in my life.
Maybe because I am at a different place in my grief journey.
Maybe the ice has thawed
Maybe the shock is less present
Maybe there are few layers
I don’t know,
All I know is that I have really been feeling this alone business to a whole new degree.
And I absolutely hate it.
Now that my house is habitable again and I’m not allergic to it and kitty has found a new home; I’m alone with the fishies.
Glad I’m no longer living in my bedroom like I have been for months.
Glad I can eat a meal somewhere else in the house.
But damn it’s hard sitting there alone.
One plate, one seat, one glass, just me.
No kitty, no Hubbie.
Damn it’s quiet.
Who knew kitty made so much noise?
The radio and tv helped for awhile but they stopped serving their purpose of company a while ago,
My dad has found himself on the other end of a phone conversation, on speaker listening while I eat. I just need a living, breathing thing and I don’t want the quiet.
God help us all in the quiet.
If I have to listen to myself anymore I’ll go even more crazy.
Bath time for example. Is not relaxing. Too much thinking. Too much talking to myself.
I know some of this is grief and some of this is that I have been isolated because I no longer have friends who live in the same city as me; therefore I have been alone a lot more than any person should be. Not for lack of trying.
This aloneness feeling is for the birds.
Can’t I just be the surviving person; I hate the feeling that comes with it.
Isn’t enough to be the survivor?
Let alone feel the negative emotions of being “alone”.
Alone in and of itself is enough for any person to struggle with.
And I Thought I Loved You Then My Love.
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