After 27 Months, I Still Struggle With Greg Not Being Hereon June 21st, 2012
There are lots of things that I struggle with with Greg not being here.
As the months and years go by since I have lost him,
there are days where these things that I struggle with hit harder than other days.
I struggle with not being legally married to Greg.
I struggle that we never had the chance to be married with those that we love as witnesses before God.
I struggle with people undermining our relationship and not acknowledging what’s in our hearts.
I struggle that Greg and I were robbed of our life together.
I have no idea what it is like to live with the man that I love, to share and make a home with him. Our home.
We had all these plans, dreams, designs and Greg never got to see those come to pass.
I have no idea what it’s like to go to sleep next to and wake up every morning next to the man that I love.
I struggle that Greg and I will never have children of our own. (human ones). I get very angry about this.
Its just wrong and it hurts so much that Greg will never have the opportunity to tell everyone that we’re going to have a baby. We will never plan and decide how we want to raise our child. We will never go to birthing classes, or pick out baby names for real (although we had discussed baby names), or decorate our babies rooms, or discuss parenting styles.
Greg will never hold his own child in his arms and introduce them to our friends and family.
We will never struggle and learn as all parents do.
Greg doesn’t have his children to carry on his name and their fathers legacy.
Just like our wedding, this too will never happen.
I struggle with Greg not being here for important events in the lives of those he loves. He missed his best friends wedding, his two sisters weddings, one sisters graduation from nursing school. And he will miss my graduation with my masters degree.
I struggle with Greg not being here to help me as I go through all the difficult things that I have experienced this year; and have had to do alone. Instead of Greg being here to support, help and love me. No one can encourage me like Greg. No one can love me like him. No one gives hugs like Greg does.
I struggle with Greg not being here to protect me. All my life I have had bad things happen and the people that should have been there protecting me, we’re not. When Greg was here, I did not have that fear. I knew that I was safe and protected. Nothing would harm me again.
I struggle knowing that whatever I do in life, wherever life takes me; I am not sharing life with Greg.
And I Thought I Loved You Then Greggie.
I love you yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever always.
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