What goes up, MUST come down………on June 19th, 2012
I’ve had the week from hell. We finally got some closure as to why Geoff suddenly stopped breathing, heart stopped beating and died, just like that. It was so (sadly) good to read that he most likely had an undiagnosed chronic heart condition, so my heart lifted a little, until I got to the end of the letter from the pathologist…… “These types of conditions are known to be hereditary, so you need to take your daughter to a GP and have her heart checked, and also have regular check ups every couple of years”. She is 6 months old. She is my world. My heart suddenly skipped a beat and that feeling of dread returned to me once more. Please god, not her too. I wont know until the end of July, the day before Geoffs 1st year anniversary…….. Life has been interesting to say the least….. I have found that this roller coaster is never ending, and the good days are far outnumbered with the bad, when the bad things keep coming. I’m also damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. When I’m up, I finally feel like the dark cloud will lift, like I do have it in me to take a chance on life and open myself up to someone else, then yet another thing comes and smacks me in the face and I’m straight back down. People just don’t get it. They don’t get this feeling. I feel completely lost still, and my energy level is slowly dropping. The only bit of energy I have left is to bring Lily up. To change her nappys, feed her, bathe her, entertain her. I have no energy for anything else. I don’t care about anything else, and that is the worst feeling in the world.
My doctor prescribed some anti-depressants, to help me feel better. I don’t know whether to take them. I have come so far without the help of pills, I feel like I’m giving in to this monster if I start. There is nothing wrong with them, I know so many people on them, but I just feel like I can do this alone. They are here, in the box, willing me to try one, just to see how i’ll feel.
If one more person tells me how strong I am, I might literally have a breakdown in front of them, just to show them I am not. I am not strong, I am as weak as water. I do all my crying alone, I DO NOT want people to feel sorry for me. I want people to treat me the same (well, unless there is a HUGE queue for security at the airport, then I play the widow card! There has to be Some benefits to this, right?) I have had the “friends head tilt” more times than I care to remember now, and now, I do it straight back. “How have you been” Me: Very upright thanks, to need to tilt your head sideways!”. We have no choice in this game. We have to fight on. For the sake of our children, our families, our friends. The hardest part I find, is watching everyone elses life carry on as normal. Watching how no-one else changed when he died is very hard. Why am I the only one? Why did this happen to ME….. to US?? Yes they miss him, but more importantly, they miss me. The person I used to be. That person is long gone, the spark died with Geoff. I am now just existing, for the sake of our baby. Without her, I know I would be a million miles from here, a million miles from reality. I no longer enjoy life. I no longer wake up in the morning, and see the most handsome man I have ever known. I no longer feel that tingly feeling every time I hear his voice, see him smile, feel his touch. I feel almost dead inside. Like I really just don’t care. I then feel guilty. We chose to get pregnant together, and watch our children (we only had the chance to have 1) grow up. I should have a spark left in me, the excitement of the prospect of watching Lily grow up, try new things, crawl, walk, talk etc. but I don’t feel that way. I just feel dread, that every time she does one of these amazing things, I’m happy that instant, but automatically look for him, then the tears come. I miss him, and he’s missing all of this. It is exhausting. I am nearly 1 year in to this new life of a 31 year old widow, with a 6 month old baby, my first, beautiful little lady…… it doesn’t get easier, that is a false sense of security people want you to believe, to keep you going……..
I am still down, and am waiting for the day my heart lifts again, but I now know not to get too excited, because what goes up, must come down x