What goes up, MUST come down………
on June 19th, 2012I’ve had the week from hell. We finally got some closure as to why Geoff suddenly stopped breathing, heart stopped beating and died, just like that. It was so (sadly) good to read that he most likely had an undiagnosed chronic heart condition, so my heart lifted a little, until I got to the end of the letter from the pathologist…… “These types of conditions are known to be hereditary, so you need to take your daughter to a GP and have her heart checked, and also have regular check ups every couple of years”. She is 6 months old. She is my world. My heart suddenly skipped a beat and that feeling of dread returned to me once more. Please god, not her too. I wont know until the end of July, the day before Geoffs 1st year anniversary…….. Life has been interesting to say the least….. I have found that this roller coaster is never ending, and the good days are far outnumbered with the bad, when the bad things keep coming. I’m also damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. When I’m up, I finally feel like the dark cloud will lift, like I do have it in me to take a chance on life and open myself up to someone else, then yet another thing comes and smacks me in the face and I’m straight back down. People just don’t get it. They don’t get this feeling. I feel completely lost still, and my energy level is slowly dropping. The only bit of energy I have left is to bring Lily up. To change her nappys, feed her, bathe her, entertain her. I have no energy for anything else. I don’t care about anything else, and that is the worst feeling in the world.
My doctor prescribed some anti-depressants, to help me feel better. I don’t know whether to take them. I have come so far without the help of pills, I feel like I’m giving in to this monster if I start. There is nothing wrong with them, I know so many people on them, but I just feel like I can do this alone. They are here, in the box, willing me to try one, just to see how i’ll feel.
If one more person tells me how strong I am, I might literally have a breakdown in front of them, just to show them I am not. I am not strong, I am as weak as water. I do all my crying alone, I DO NOT want people to feel sorry for me. I want people to treat me the same (well, unless there is a HUGE queue for security at the airport, then I play the widow card! There has to be Some benefits to this, right?) I have had the “friends head tilt” more times than I care to remember now, and now, I do it straight back. “How have you been” Me: Very upright thanks, to need to tilt your head sideways!”. We have no choice in this game. We have to fight on. For the sake of our children, our families, our friends. The hardest part I find, is watching everyone elses life carry on as normal. Watching how no-one else changed when he died is very hard. Why am I the only one? Why did this happen to ME….. to US?? Yes they miss him, but more importantly, they miss me. The person I used to be. That person is long gone, the spark died with Geoff. I am now just existing, for the sake of our baby. Without her, I know I would be a million miles from here, a million miles from reality. I no longer enjoy life. I no longer wake up in the morning, and see the most handsome man I have ever known. I no longer feel that tingly feeling every time I hear his voice, see him smile, feel his touch. I feel almost dead inside. Like I really just don’t care. I then feel guilty. We chose to get pregnant together, and watch our children (we only had the chance to have 1) grow up. I should have a spark left in me, the excitement of the prospect of watching Lily grow up, try new things, crawl, walk, talk etc. but I don’t feel that way. I just feel dread, that every time she does one of these amazing things, I’m happy that instant, but automatically look for him, then the tears come. I miss him, and he’s missing all of this. It is exhausting. I am nearly 1 year in to this new life of a 31 year old widow, with a 6 month old baby, my first, beautiful little lady…… it doesn’t get easier, that is a false sense of security people want you to believe, to keep you going……..
I am still down, and am waiting for the day my heart lifts again, but I now know not to get too excited, because what goes up, must come down x
Hey, I was 30yrs old when my husband died of a sudden massive heart attack, I had a 3 & 1 yr old. It’s now been 2 years and 2 months. I want to tell you my decisions / thoughts as I believe that’s why we are all on here. To help or be helped and because we truly understand. I decided very early on that I had a choice, this shit has happened to me, BUT I am going to live my life, I’m going to do my best with what I have and show my children what life is about, this is so f’d up, but my children deserve to live a happy fun life. And me sitting around moping was not showing them how to deal with it. We talk a lot about death and dying and I answer all there questions, I tell stories or remind them how much they are like their dad -every chance I get! I also cry and I cry with them and I have bad days, it’s still a roller coaster at times, but I decide if events are going to upset me or if I’m going to find a positive or something to be grateful out of it. I make the anniversaries of his death / birthday etc a time to celebrate and feel grateful for the amazing children he gave me, the things he taught me and the fact that I know what true love feels like, because it hurt so much to lose him. I am ready now to meet a new man, as I really want to share my life with someone, I want my kids to have a father figure in their life. I have been working thru major issues of worry and fear – what if I fall in love and he dies too? Well you know what surely I couldn’t be that unlucky… But i am not going to let that stop me from having 3 months, 6 myths, 10 years whatever amount of fun, love and shaing that my kids ad I can get from having someone in our lives!
It is hard it is shit, but this is now our life and we can make it better. We can think positively and plan things so we have things to look forward to. And that baby girl of yours – wow aren’t they just the most precious gift ever! Teach her about the joys of life, show her the rainbows. Start writing a grateful journal – think of just 3 things a day that you could be grateful for – ths helped me heaps-was tough in the beginning, but got easier.
I know how we all hate to hear it-but truly it does get easier over time, but you have to deal with the emotions and the feelings, don’t push them away.
So please don’t just exist, please make your choice today to live! As scary as it is! From one young widow to another I send you lots of strength, I am sure you can do it xxxxx
My heart screams for you…. our son was 15 months old when my dh passed tragically in a single vehicle accident. I had to enjoy our son i had to embrace happiness for his little life. its been just over a year and yes some days are still the hardest of my life, but some days are sooooo good.
i cry behind closed doors and talk about dh often but not about how i feel about things that happened……
i cry when my son does something new the words he says the looks he gives when he looks so much like his dad.
i cry for me, for the 2nd child we never got to conceive, because we were gonna wait till after the summer and we never made it
i cry for being mad at him when he left and i lose it hwen i think of how i didnt say good bye………
My heart goes out to you also. Please give yourself credit that you are loving your daughter and managing as best you can. I agree with Phyllis, having a young baby is so exhausting in itself. And the exhaustion coupled with grief must be so difficult.
I hope there are support groups in your area. I found them helpful, especially in knowing I was not alone. Just like this place. And I could cry and it was accepted.
I hope you accept help when it is offered. My guess is even having a friend stay a few nights so you could get a good nights sleep might help.
And please don’t worry about tears. I still tear up in the grocery, especially when I see lamb chops. My spouse loved lamb chops and I probably will never be able to cook them again. And I cry in the car. Also triggers make me cry other places. So what if I cry? I just explain it’s a grief attack and always carry hankies!
Life isn’t easy when we lose our spouse.
But over time (and I say this from experience) we can surprise with the new person we become as we carry memories in our hearts.
Hugs to you and your daughter.
MrsRef, my heart goes out to you. I can not imagine being pregnant and having a new baby right after loosing your husband. I am not sure this will help any, but I remember feeling dead inside when I had a 6 month old – part of it is sheer exhaustion and you combine that with your loss and it is amazing that you are able to move at all.
HUGS to you and your beautiful daughter!! I do hope things improve for you very soon.