May30
Greg’s Absence A Daily Reminder Of Loss
on May 30th, 2012
Almost 24 months ago we would’ve been married,
Starting our life together
In a home of our own.
We were so in love and so full of life,
On the verge of transitioning to a married couple. We had our fairy tale.
Like every day of the last 26 months;
I come home to a quiet and empty home,
Greg isn’t here like he should be.
Instead I come home to his photos
and the memories we shared
They keep me going
They speak to me
They remind me of our beautiful love
His absence is a daily reminder of his accident.
His physical absence is deafening.
Instead of waking up every morning to a “Good Morning Beautiful, I made it to work” text,
I wake up still checking my phone for a txt,
Wishing one would be there from Greg,
Maybe I somehow missed a text from Greg?
Instead I’m reminded of the day I didn’t get one,
Because he didn’t make it to work that day,
He didn’t have that chance to send me my daily text,
That I had grown attached to
We didn’t have a chance to text all day through out the day,
As we were going about our daily routine,
Like we did everyday
Instead I spent the day texting all these people telling them that i lost Greg in a car accident,
Most of them never having the chance to meet Greg in person,
If Heaven had a phone Greg and I would get in trouble for texting too much!,
I text other people that I care about,
But I can’t text the person I care about the most,
He can never reply with a silly comment to make me laugh
Or scripture to encourage me on a day when I’m struggling
He will never send me a text I long for the most “I’m on my way home”,
And my response being so happy
That I’m going to see him soon
And have that giddy, butterfly feeling
And that relief feeling,
I get to see my love
And give him a hug
As I tell him ” I love you”.
What I wouldn’t give for that man to walk through the door,
I still find myself at times waiting for Greg to be here,
Like he’s just going to magically reappear after 26 months
If staring at something long enough with so much determination and wishing the life out of yourself could actually bring someone back
GREG WOULD BE HERE.
As I go throughout my day,
I struggle to survive and get through each day
We spent all our free time together.
I can’t even drive to the grocery store we went to
I can’t handle it
Even other stores with the same name are hard for me to go onto
Theres a lot of self talk going on for me to go into one
Or I’m so in avoidance I’m in this dazed haze the entire time
Everywhere I go he’s not driving us or sitting in the passenger seat goofing off or asleep
It’s just me,
Driving myself
Trying not to have PTSD
Trying to be mindful and aware
Instead of in one of those “fog” moments or spacing out
And not realizing where I am
Crying or fighting back the tears
All of which happen too frequently.
I love that I have a place to visit Greg
I don’t know if I could handle it if we had decided to scatter his ashes
I hate that I have to see my husband at his grave
That hurts more than you know.
Seeing Greg helps me
I love tending to his grave
I see it as my way of taking care of him
Because I’m the wifey
Who says I can’t just because he isn’t physically here?
I haven’t found that “peace” yet but anything felt close to it is felt here.
I wasn’t able to go to our spot much in the first two years since loosing Greg
I went on significant dates that first year,
The second year it hurt so much,
More reminders that Greg isn’t here
That our dreams were shattered
That we didn’t have the future we had planned and hoped for.
In the 2 months since Greg’s 2nd heavenly birthday
I go out to our spot often,
I don’t know what’s changed
It still hurts just as much to be there
I still feel Greg there with me.
We didn’t get to see it together in the spring or summer time
And I think of that a lot when I’m there
Another missed chance for us to embrace something.
Missing him every second of every day.
Loving this great man more as the days go on.
He may be in Heaven now but nothing takes away love.
Nor my desire to see him one more time.
So much I want to say to my wonderful man.
So much I need to hear him say to me.
As his wife,
I live with his absence everyday,
Even if I don’t sit around thinking of the “absence” part, instead missing Greg immensely.
I’m reminded of his absence every day.
I LIVE WITH IT.
Everyday I keep Greg’s memory alive.
I never ever thought I would bury my husband first, let alone before we even had the chance to get married.
But I know what’s in my heart.
And Greg is my husband.
His absence is always a reminder of the day that I hate and the day that changed our lives forever.
We had our fairy tale,
But if fairy tales were true
Greg would still be here
In my arms.
Instead of living everyday with his absence.
And I Thought I Loved You Then My Love,
I love you yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever. Always.
——
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