This Mad Crazy Lady!!
on May 29th, 2011The crazy lady is back. More like the mad crazy lady. Mad at my kids and mad a Pete!! Which seems stupid. how can you be mad at a dead guy. He is lucky he is not here. I am .His kids and I are here. doing what? trying to live our lives without him. How are we doing Pete?
I made the drive to Batavia with three kids. It was great!! No really, the drive part was fine. And the picnic was good too. Unfortunately it rained the whole time. It was really nice to see everyone. But it was really hard too. Cause there we all were just standing around waiting for Pete to come bustling in through the door and he never did. He never does!!
It’s the coming home back to the house and knowing that he is not here to greet us. Still!! I wonder how long it will be that I will keep waiting for him to be there. I want to shout to myself. Idiot he is not here. He hasn’t been for almost 19 months now. Why would he be here now. Its the frustration of not being able to deal. to just deal with everything. The kids need me and I need to just sit in the corner and cry and shout until I feel better. But then I don’t want the kids to look at me and be scared. Right now I am thankful the big ones are in bed. Yet mad at the little one cause he is pulling my hair. I can either be mad at him or I can write about what I am really mad about. I am mad that I am still here and PEte is not. I can’t change it, I can’t go back. I can’t undo it. I can’t do anything. It feels very helpless at times. It’s these helpless moments that make me want to just run down the street screaming my head off. Will I feel better? I don’t know. Will it bring Pete back. NO! So why would I feel better. I don’t know.
I am mad at the world tonight. Mad, mad. Mad. And Mad that I can’t do a single thing. I can’t take some pill to feel happy again. I could drink it away. But then I would have a hangover and be mad that I have a hangover and then will remember why I have the hangover and therefore it comes back to just being mad. So why go through the whole drink it away. It doesn’t help. Nothing does when I am in the mad state.
So what should I do? I don’t know. I guess write out my frustrations to share them with you instead of taking them out on the harmless bystanders. Like A,P, and CL. I know it is not their fault either. I just don’t seem to have the patience to handle all their emotions and the “coming home” emotions that they feel as well. I get tired of being the “strong one” all the time. Be strong for them, be strong for those around me. To be calm, act like the world is my oyster. Well it’s not. And today I don’t want to be strong I want to be mad. even though it seems counterproductive. Again whats the point. And yet I can’t help but be mad!
So I guess, I will go and put my cranky baby to sleep. Feeling mad at the whole process. Yet knowing tomorrow is a “new” day, thank goodness. Pete still won’t be here. But we will. We will keep going like we always do. Mad or not, We will make it.
Feels good not being the only one who’s mad at everything..
Last week after my daughter called me to come get her at school after a failed oral exam, I went to my husband’s grave after and cussed him..
“Thanks for f@#** our lives up” I said, while I watered the plants..
I also feel punished… feel like I’m also paying for future sins, wish I could be payed soon for all the charity work I did for years, don’t know how long this broken heart can take..
I have yet to have my breakdown, didn’t get that luxury, I had to be strong for our teen-age daughter…
Yep, your post pretty much sums up my pathetic life, or what’s left of it..
Thank you all for your comments. Thank you for being “here” to understand what I am talking about. Yes it’s unfortunate that we all “get it” but I am grateful for you all.
This is exactly how I feel. I’m mad at Sam, mad at my kids, mad at others who have their spouses, mad at the schools, mad at the bills. just mad. And I want to explode, and cry, and scream. I want someone to make it better. Someone needs to make it better. And that someone is Sam and he is gone. How could he do this to us? I think as long as the house is clean and the house has food, and the kids are ok, he’ll come home. Well, its been 10 months. 10 months and he doesnt walk in. He doesnt call. He doesnt tell me we’ll be ok. And I’m losing my mind.
Wow, that is so well written! I really understand where you are coming from, It was 12 months on 3 April since Mike left… When you run into friends you haven’t seen for a while they either say nothing or say gee you guys are looking good, life must be good! I usually answer we have good days and bad… Its not easy doing this by yourself! and no, I’m not a solo mother, I didn’t choose this to happen to us!! Hang in there, yes the sun still comes up tomorrow xx
totally get you on this one ! I know that feeling so well. Five years down the line and only cried in front of the children twice..sometimes think i never got the chance to grieve..but it does get easier and they do grow bigger and every now and then they surprise you with their insight and compassion when you least expect it.. hang in there..xx
I swear this could have been written by me. Hugs to you..
hug tightly the little one and know that he knows (kids are odd that way) that you are in pain. Small children and pets seem to inately understand our pain and they try in sometimes strange ways to give us comfort (tho often it just aggravates us as we have not a clue why they do what they do).
I go pull weeds when I am mad, yes, sometimes in middle of night! I name each weed for who I am mad at / with / because of and then I rip them out of the ground.
Huggs to you and your kids too